Prepare Fisking torpedos! It’s been a long time since I indulged in a full-scale Fisking of anything (oh, the fun I had with Maureen Dowd for a long while), so I figure
ol’ folksy Texas charmer Molly Ivins is ripe for a good Fisking. Here goes.
The first thing I ever learned about politics was never to let anyone else define what you believe, or what you are for or against. I think for myself.
I am not "you liberals" or "you people on the left who always ..." My name is Molly Ivins, and I can speak for myself, thank you. I don't need Rush Limbaugh or Karl Rove to tell me what I believe.
And I am not “you conservatives” or “you people on the right who always…” My name is Jim Dunn, and I can speak for myself, thank you. Neither I nor my conservative associates need Rush Limbaugh or Karl Rove to tell me what I believe. Ivins is just maintaining the standard liberal line that we conservatives only know what to believe once somebody tells us what to believe.
Setting up a straw man, calling it liberal and then knocking it down has become a favorite form of "argument" for those on the right.
You mean, like the straw man you just erected in your opening grafs? Hypocrisy? You’re soaking in it.
Make some ridiculous claim about what "liberals" think, and then demonstrate how silly it is. Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly and many other right-wing ravers never seem to get tired of this old game. If I had a nickel for every idiotic thing I've ever heard those on the right claim "liberals" believe, I'd be richer than Bill Gates.
Here’s where ol’ Molly demonstrates an amazing lack of economic sense. Nobody cares about, and won’t tune in, when Bill O’Reilly or Rush Limbaugh or Al Franken or anybody gives both sides of an issue in a reasoned, balanced manner. Without conflict, you don't have a story.
And what’s with this “I’d be richer than Bill Gates”? Comment? Surely Molly can do better than that. I mean, how about, “If I had a nickel…I’d be eating nickel soup”? (Hat tip to Cotton Hill.) Or maybe, “…I’d have enough money to burn a wet mule”? Or how about calling up Dan Rather and you two Texans really pegging the folk-o-meter with something like “…my bank account would be tighter than a cayuse at an armadillo-killing east of the Rio Grande with a blue norther blowin’ through”?
The latest and most idiotic statement yet comes from Rove, who is not, actually, an objective observer. [White House advisers rarely are.]He is George Bush's hatchet man.
Wait. I thought President Bush, like the rest of us conservatives, took our orders from Karl Rove. How can Rove be Bush’s hatchet man? (And by the way, Molly, Rove doesn’t have to be a hatchet man when you liberals so willingly step into the traps he lays for you.)
Rove, in an address to the Conservative Party of New York, made the following claim: "Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers."
See above for mention of Rove’s traps. He really set the spittle to flying with that comment.
This seemed to the editorial writers at the San Diego Union-Tribune such a reasonable summary of the liberal position they couldn't figure out why Democrats were "hyperventilating."
"What is harder to understand is how Democrats can think they can have it both ways," they wrote. "Even as they beat their chests and profess support for military action, they can't help but criticize the military and do everything they can to undermine the war effort."
Note to self: There are level-headed people in California after all. You stand corrected.
What a deep mystery. Let's see if we can help the San Diego thinkers solve it. On Sept. 14, 2001, Congress approved a resolution authorizing the president to take military action. The vote in the Senate was 98-0; the vote in the House was 420-1. The lone dissenter was Rep. Barbara Lee, D-Oakland, who expressed qualms about an open-ended war.
Find me the offer for therapy and understanding in that vote. Anyone remember what actually happened after 9/11? Unprecedented unity, support across the board, joint statements by Democratic and Republican political leaders. The whole world was with us. The most important newspaper in France headlined, "We Are All Americans Now," and all our allies sent troops and money to help. That is what George Bush has squandered with his war in Iraq.
Again, I’m gonna have to provide the folksiness here, so here goes. What happened immediately after 9/11 was what you could call a reverse Little Red Hen situation. Remember the story of the barnyard fowl who wanted to plant, cut, thresh, mill, and bake a grain of wheat and the wheat stalk that sprung from it? None of her fellow barnyard animals wanted to help with the aforementioned planting, cutting, threshing, milling, and baking, but they were more than happy to help eat the bread that was the end result of all the hen’s activity.
The opposite happened after 9/11. Countries and many liberals jumped up and blustered their way into the public eye via proclamations or newspaper headlines (and really, Molly—the most important paper in France is the gold medal winner of oxymorons). That’s because every nation knew that you can’t just jump into a worldwide battle. It takes time, and they knew they could use that time to let the fervor die down and “reconsider their opinions.”
Again, here’s some much-needed folkiness that Molly can’t seem to deliver: When I was growing up in Samson, Alabama, there wasn’t much to do. So if word got out that there was a fight brewing between a couple of good old boys, everybody would try to see the fight. You could always tell who wanted to fight and who didn’t. The boys (and girls; the nastiest fight I ever saw was between two sisters) who wanted to fight would get out of their car and commence with the fisticuffs post haste. The ones who wanted people to think they wanted to fight would bow up, rip their shirts off, get red in the face and generally do everything but fight.
France and like countries and many liberals ripped their shirts off. Then they promptly put them back on.
And Ivins is really being disingenuous in this section. In response to her "find me the therapy and understanding in that vote" comment, I'll refer her not to the days immediately after 9/11, but to last year, when John Kerry said he wanted a more sensitive war.
The vote on invading Iraq was 77-23 in the Senate and 296-133 in the House. By that time, some liberals did question the wisdom of invasion because: A) Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11 and B) it looked increasingly unlikely that Iraq actually had great stores of weapons of mass destruction, since the U.N. inspectors, who were on the ground, couldn't find them -- even though Donald Rumsfeld claimed we knew exactly where they were.
“Nothing to do with 9/11.” I’m supposed to believe that terrorists were in Florida, but they weren’t in Iraq. Molly old girl, have you been out in the sun too long?
Since my name is Molly Ivins and I speak for myself, I'll tell you exactly why I opposed invading Iraq: because I thought it would be bad for this country, our country, my country. I opposed the invasion out of patriotism, and that is the reason I continue to oppose it -- I think it is bad for us. I think it has done nothing but harm to the United States. I think we have created more terrorists than we faced to start with and that our good name has been sullied all over the world. I think we have alienated our allies and have killed more Iraqis than Saddam Hussein ever did.
You know, I’d take on this graf, but it would be like shooting fish in a barrel. And the fish are nailed to the sides of the barrel. And your gun has laser sights.
I did not oppose the war because I like Saddam. I have been active in human rights work for 30 years, and I told you he was an s.o.b. in the '80s, when our government was sending him arms.
I did not oppose the war because I am soft on terrorists or didn't want to get Osama bin Laden. To the contrary, I thought it would be much more useful to get bin Laden than to invade Iraq -- which, once again, had nothing to do with 9/11. I believe the case now stands proved that this administration used 9/11 as a handy excuse to invade Iraq, which it already wanted to do.
The case now stands proved that we used 9/11 as an excuse? By what means, darling Molly? Are you like Stewart McKenzie’s father, with special inside knowledge of the Pentaveret and their meetings in Colorado?
It is one thing for a political knife-fighter like Rove to impugn the patriotism of people who disagree with him: We have seen this same crappy tactic before, just as we have seen administration officials use 9/11 for political purposes again and again. But how many times are the media going to let them get away with it?
Oh, darling Molly. The media let President Bush with stuff, do they? I must have missed all those blazing editorials in the NYT urging Americans to stand fast behind President Bush, any concerns for yourself be damned.
The first furious assault on the patriotism of Democrats came right after the 9/11 commission learned President Bush had received a clear warning in August 2001 that Osama bin Laden was planning a hijacking.
Let’s play time travel and go back to August 2001. President Bush has just received a clear warning that we’re about to be attacked by Middle Eastern terrorists. He and his hatchet man/knife-fighter Karl Rove immediately set about closing the borders, initiating thorough background checks of Middle Easterners and generally cracking the security whip all across the fruited plain. Can you imagine the caterwauling that would have arisen from Ivins and Company? Almost four years after 9/11, security officials have to walk a line measured in nano-angstroms in order to keep from offending anyone.
And if you’re going to go back in time, darling Molly, you’re gonna need to indict President Clinton, too. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were only presenting one side of an issue.
Batten down the hatches: This is the beginning of a push to jack up public support for the war in Iraq by attacking anyone with enough sense to raise questions about how it's going.
First, an English lesson. Antecedents can be tricky, Molly dear, so when you say “This is the beginning of a push…” at the end of a long column, you need to be clearer about what exactly
this is.
Secondly, nobody is attacking anybody who doesn’t support the war. We’re just pointing out that you’re wrong. And that’s what really binds your girdle like Granny after eating a whole gollywobbler mess of prickly pear fritters, ain’t it?